foiba

Something I found in my desk

2006-01-18T09:18:00.000-08:00

I found this in my desk drawer, something I apparently picked up and then forgot about. It's a payment stub from Steinmart addressed to "Nathan" but the interesting part is what he wrote on the back of it:

"T, P, + BDJ

Deposit to the Mont
treat it like a bill
4 + 40

revenge on roommates
neighbors
practicle [sic] jokes

lord, lake, [illegible] now
now what?
20/20 focus
paper/plastic
pain + the great angels
HS… that’s my what?

some did, some
didn’t but we
all felt bad
in the morning

Going back

M, D – my phone broke

Whiskey Lullaby"

The "Whiskey Lullaby" is in a different pen color so it was probably added later.

The Theory of Convenient Gravity

2005-11-29T23:21:00.000-08:00

The Theory of Convenient Gravity relates to a theoretical description of how superheroes can fly, despite defying the laws of physics. The Theory of Convenient Gravity (TCG) also involves the theory of simultaneous alternate dimensions. Basically, when Superman has to fly, he subconsciously finds an alternate dimension that has convenient gravity for him to do so.

When Superman wants to fly straight up, his mind and body subconsciously enter an alternate dimension where gravity is exactly reversed. He is not "flying;" he is actually "falling." If Superman wants to fly in a different direction than straight up, his mind subconsciously enters a dimension where the gravity is convenient enough for him to "fall" in the desired trajectory. When Superman needs to fly faster than the speed of light, his mind subconsciously finds an alternate dimension where the gravity is really, really strong.

When Superman enters this dimension of Convenient Gravity, he enters it only so long as to gain enough physical velocity to achieve his desired speed and trajectory. After gaining this velocity, his mind subconsciously returns his body to this dimension with the velocity and trajectory kept intact. Any change in trajectory (and landing) would naturally involve another (subconscious) physical shift into a dimension of Convenient Gravity, suitable to his needs at the moment.

Superman is used as an example here but theoretically any superhero with the power of Flight has this subconscious ability to shift between convenient, alternate dimensions. Superheroes having the ability of Flight but lacking the ability to fly faster than the speed of light simply lack the ability to access convenient dimensions where gravity is really, really strong.

The Unwelcomed

2005-11-25T12:29:00.000-08:00

The Unwelcomed (supposedly 2001, actually 1990)

I had to revise my grading scale for this movie, which is a “Value DVD” that only cost a dollar. Any curse word harsher than “asshole” is censored and presumably, so is any potential TITS or GUTS. What is left are implied R-rated activities and that is the new scale for this movie: the scale of IMAGINATION.

(on a scale of 0-5)
IMPLIED TITS: 3?*
IMPLIED GUTS: 2
IMPLIED SUBJECTIVE OVERALL SATISFACTION: 4.239483821

KILLER: Max Page (great name)
FINAL GIRL: Connie

GENERAL SUMMARY

PLOT: This plot wasn’t really that bad. It’s basically an attempt to re-tell the classic vampire story in modern times. Max Page is a 73 year old celebrating his birthday when a meteor lands on his property. Something from the meteor scurries through the land (Tremors-style) and implants itself into Max. Max begins to physically de-age so that he eventually has the face of a 20-something.

This age reduction comes at a price because he has to drink (all of) the blood from a woman who is ovulating to survive. His alien age reduction also grants him a superhuman sense of smell so he can detect when women are on their periods. He doesn’t grow fangs or anything, he just slices open the ladies’ throats with a scalpel. The plot ***SPOILERS*** reveals eventually that it is not human blood that he is after, but the chemical estrogen. He is a very specific vampire.

Eventually the police and FBI catch up with him because he is a terrible serial killer and left fingerprints everywhere. They get Connie to drug his wine with an anti-estrogen drug and then shoot him a bunch of times. He dies unrepentant.

OVERALL:

I took a bunch of notes for this movie so I think I’ll just transcribe them and try to explain why I jotted them down:

-Unwelcomed (2001) ? (The question mark was added later when I began to doubt that the film was actually made in the 21st century. It was really made in 1990.)

-most boring opening credits ever. 2:33 (This is how long the opening credits were. It was just bad music and text, very slowly. It was awful.)

-Space (The film starts out in space with a star field, then we see a horribly animated meteor passing by. See “Oh man, SFX”)

-Max Page (great name)

-Oh man, SFX (The meteor is horribly animated.)

-Asteroid=Flaming Pit (The landing site for the meteor is just a big hole obviously dug out with shovels, then soaked with kerosene and lit on fire. Bonus points for simplicity.)

-“POPS!” (See MEMORABLE QUOTES)

- Mr. Ed Doors (The Pages have a back door that is cut in half, so you can open the top half without opening the bottom half. It’s useful if you want to open a door without actually opening it.)

- Cup w/o coffee (Max Page’s son drops an empty coffee mug when he hears his dad being attacked by the meteor alien. It’s funny because he was pretending to sip at the imaginary coffee in the mug just moments prior to the dropping.)

- Tremors effect (This describes the effect of the alien entity that infects Max Page. It throws up dirt as it travels underground.)

- Hard to do Old Man make-up full body (“Max Page” was played by an actor in his 20s so he had to have Old Man make-up applied to his face for the film’s beginning scenes. This is reference to a shot when everyone thinks Max is dead. He is shirtless on a hospital bed and it is obviously the body of a 20 year old.)

- What is “Connie” short for? (Constance?)

-The University (The doctor at the hospital recommends sending Max’s lab reports to The University for further analysis. Like that’ll happen.)

- Riding Big Wheels the cool way (Riding a Big Wheels “the cool way” meant riding it like a scooter, not a tiny plastic tricycle.)

- flash of light reveals mask instead of face, glowing eyes/mouth (There’s a scene with lightning flashes that reveals Max’s secret evil tendencies where they flash a creepy looking mask over Max’s face for a fraction of a second. Effective if you haven’t figured it out yet.)

- Don’t leave your old man in the car (Just good advice.)

- Dreams = Reality (Max Page dreams about killing ladies and they end up dead the next morning. See next note.)

- Killing while asleep, the worst kind (Max has got to feel silly serial killing ladies like he does when he is not even conscious. What is worse: finding out that you’re a secret serial killer or finding out and realizing you received no pleasure from it?)

- PARROT – no cusses. “Petey’s a good boy” “Craw!” (See MEMORABLE QUOTES)

- Liquor and Deli (A good idea! This place gets robbed twice in one scene though, so it might be TOO good of an idea.)

- Case# 1A-14873 (The subtitles dramatically entered this case number on screen with “Page House…11 weeks later… Case# 1A-14873!!” Those exclamation marks are mine, but apparently the case number was very important. Maybe it’s secret code for the director’s birthday or something and during the first screening, they had a big surprise birthday for him.)

- badass leather jacket (When Max Page reverts back into a 20-year-old body, he starts greasing his hair back and wearing a white undershirt beneath a badass leather jacket. Obviously this is how 73-year-old Max thinks young people dress. I like this movie because of the attention to details like this.)

- HOT Lesbo threeway. Cut. “Wanna join us?” fade black, cut to watching TV. (See IMPLIED TITS)

- White noise (Max likes to pass his time while watching static on the television. I guess it’s just another thing to let us know he’s crazy.)

- SHOWER (One of the lesbian chicks takes a shower but we don’t see anything. This is either an edit or just poor filmmaking.)

- Didn’t like sex. (See IMPLIED TITS)

- not the greatest serial killer (The narrative reveals that Max stayed with a girl for one solid week before killing her, leaving fingerprints everywhere and actually getting his picture taken with her. Not the best MO, Max.)

- VAMPIRES (I was excited that this was turning into a pseudo-vampire story)

- Don’t help bums (Max is lying in, literally, a pile of garbage when a lady stops and asks if he needs help. The dramatic transition leads us to believe that he kills her. Don’t help bums, they might be estrogen vampires.)

- blood dripping down screen (This is the dramatic transition.)

- Feeds on estrogen (Max is an estrogen vampire)

- Beast = “Ugly Dorko” (Connie is a nurse at a hospital with little kids. She’s explaining the story of “Beauty and the Beast” to the kids, about how beauty can be inside someone who is physically deformed. A little fat kid replies with the statement that Beast is an “ugly dorko.” I thought this was funny.)

- Leather for flannel (After Max meets up with Connie and starts romancing her, he starts wearing a flannel shirt underneath his leather jacket instead of just the plain undershirt. I think this is part of Max’s “old guy” thing resurfacing.)

- sniffs ladies to find them on their periods (Max only likes ladies on their periods and he can apparently smell this.)

- roller skates v. blades (During one of the scenes in the Connie Romancing montage, they are roller-skating; Max is wearing skates but Connie is wearing blades. Again, I think this is Max’s “old guy” surfacing.)

- truncated sex scene (Man, who knows what happened here.)

- Science Symposium “This isn’t a science symposium. You want out? Now’s the time.” (The main FBI agent says this to one of his lackies when they question his ethics regarding Max’s capture. The FBI agent names a “science symposium” as something that one could not ever back out of, a tie that’s forever binding. Maybe his dad was a scientist?)

- Killed in Oklahoma (Just a little hometown pride here. They show a big map with the states outlined where Max has killed people, and apparently he started in Kansas and came down through Oklahoma, then went on to California. We never see the Oklahoma lady he killed.)

-Leather jacket (See “badass leather jacket”)

- gigantic walkie-talkies (The FBI and police used gigantic walkie-talkies.)

-drugged wine (See PLOT)

-overturned table (Right after Max is drugged, the Authorities rush in and surround him with guns. What makes this scene strange is that the coffee table is overturned for no reason, but we’re lead to believe that Max did that. Apparently the action of turning over the table was too hot for Value DVD and that scene had to be edited.)

-“where I come from” (Max says this with his final breath, implying that an alien entity has been influencing his actions the entire time. An alien estrogen vampire.)

- 1990 (I was totally right when I thought the movie was “1992-ish.” I forward-fasted the ending credits.)

*IMPLIED TITS: This factor is difficult to quantify. At one point, Max Page is hitchhiking and manages to get a ride from two women, who turn out to be lesbians. There is a scene when the two ladies are in bed pawing each other and say seductively to Max, “Wanna join us?” and then the scene abruptly fades to black. The scene resumes when Max is sitting calmly in the same chair and the two ladies are calmly sleeping in the bed. Max later kills one of the girls and the surviving girl tells the police that Max “didn’t like sex.”

This leaves the viewer unsatisfied. The abrupt fade to black is an obvious post-production edit, so we have no idea how hot the lesbian action got before the girls decided that Max didn’t like sex. It could have gone on for as long as five to ten minutes and it was probably really hot and now we’ll never know.

Also, the surviving lesbian chick took a shower but we never saw anything. It was probably all cut out.

IMPLIED GUTS: There actually wasn’t a lot of guts in this movie, implied or otherwise. Max killed the ladies by slitting their throats and then drinking their blood.

MEMORABLE QUOTES (with context)

“What are you doing here, POPS?!” (Spoken to the elderly Max Page when he is investigating the meteor landing on his walker. Funny because the actor says “POPS!” like he’s never actually heard anybody call an old person “Pops.”)

“Petey is a good boy!” (Spoken by a parrot. The parrot’s only other lines are “Caw! Caw! Caw!” but his owner reacts to this by saying that Petey has a dirty mouth. Later, police investigators hear the bird saying “Caw!” and react by saying that the parrot is very interesting. Apparently, the parrot was cussing but Value DVD saw fit to edit that out. They ended up turning a mildly amusing scene into a hilarious one.)

Moonstalker

2005-09-17T04:18:00.000-07:00

Moonstalker (1988)

BODY COUNT: 16* (4 more implied)

(on a scale of 0-5)
TITS: 0
GUTS: 2
ENTIRELY SUBJECTIVE OVERALL SATISFACTION: 2.8391830

KILLER: Bernie
FINAL GIRL: Debbie

MEMORABLE QUOTES (with context)

"Get her! She's a CAMPER!" (Spoken to the killer by his father after the killer has just murdered the "camper"'s entire family. Funny out of context because it is something that someone would say during a game of Counterstrike.)

"Do you think she's a lesbian or something?" "I hope not." (Spoken between Guy 1 and Guy 2 regarding Debbie. Guy 1 has just spectacularly failed at seducing Debbie by coming on way too strong in a very goofy way. Guy 2 realizes that he has a chance of hitting it. [Note: She is not a lesbian and Guy 2 does hit it.])

"Hey, where are you going?" "Out!" "Are you crazy? There's bears out there." (Spoken between a brother and sister. Not so much funny as important. There are bears outside.)

"Hey! Get me one of them BEERS!" (Never say this if you are in a horror movie.)

GENERAL SUMMARY

TITS: The TITS factor in this movie is sorely lacking. There are two separate shower scenes with two different girls, but everything is shown from the collar-bone up. There is another scene where the lead girl falls into a creek and she and her new love interest (Guy 2) have to shed their wet clothes to dry them by a fireplace. Again, no titties.

GUTS: For a slasher movie, the gore in this is lackluster. When it occurs, it is in the form of severed limbs in unlikely places. Fake blood is easy to make but this movie apparently only made enough to coat the head of the axe that is supposed to be the killer's weapon of choice. [Note: although the axe is actually referred to in dialogue as the killer's main weapon, he rarely actually uses it.]

BODY COUNT: Most of the murders take place off screen or are entirely implied. We see the killer approach the victim, the victim's reaction, then a shot of the killer's weapon ready to kill. After a scream, the movie cuts away to another scene. The four implied killings are from the beginning of the movie, when the camera is from the killer's point of view as he menacingly approaches a group of teenagers dancing to shitty 80s music around a campfire. It is safe to assume that they are all killed.

*One of the girls who has a shower scene but does not show her titties has an ambiguous death. She is hit in the face with scalding water and then falls to the floor, unconscious. While science has not proven that momentary contact with scalding water is enough to kill, it can be assumed that she was killed off screen, since her shower buddy is slashed by the killer immediately after the hot water incident. Presumably the killer stayed around long enough to kill the girl, since we never see her again.

MORE DETAILED

I can't really explain the plot more effectively than the back of the DVD case:

"A family's mountain vacation is interrupted by the arrival of a disheveled man hauling a trailer behind an ancient Cadillac. Pop, as he calls himself [Note: this is actually what he says everyone else calls him], tells the family a tall tale about the son he lost to illness. The family feels sorry for him and befriends him... not knowing the danger that is soon to come to them. In reality, his son Bernie is crazy and dangerous and kept straight-jacketed and chained up in Pop's trailer. Pop lets Bernie out only to stalk and harm campers while Pop helps himself to their belongings.

Not far away, a group of young people are preparing for two weeks of wilderness training. The camp is run by Regis and his crazy girlfriend Marcie, who tells them that P.J., a new camper, has disappeared. We find out that P.J. is dead."

And, I'm going to stop there. There's another paragraph but I honestly had to correct so much punctuation just typing that, I got frustrated. I imagine the trailer for this movie with that deep-throated movie trailer narrator guy speaking it. "In a WORLD… with sons who are Crazy and Dangerous and Kept Straight-Jacketed, SOMETIMES they are let out to harm campers… Later, we find out that P.J. is dead."

The description on the back doesn't leave much to the imagination, but I'll fill in some of the more notable scenes. Pop explains to the chained-up Bernie at the beginning of the film that Bernie needs to kill the other camping family, so they can steal the microwave oven that they have in their RV. Pop feeds Bernie some chocolate cake and tells him that, if only they had a microwave oven, they could have homemade chocolate cake all the time. Pop somehow thinks that you can bake a cake in a microwave. I am willing to let go some basic understandings of science for the sake of a movie, but honestly, that is just ridiculous. During Bernie's attack on the family, Pop dies of a heart attack while carrying away the magical microwave that can bake a cake. Just desserts?! HAHA

The rest of the movie is pretty standard slasher stuff, except for a noticable lack of titties despite the ample opportunity. The film is apparently set somewhere in the Oregon forest region because the characters jokingly mention Bigfoot sightings in the area. Also, the doomed campers at the beginning state that Los Angeles is only "two hours away" from their location. Apparently that magical cake-baking microwave also super-powered the RV's engine and allowed it to travel at incredible speed. It’s also interesting to note that, whether they are in Oregon or southern California, all of the police officers have very strong Southern accents.

A final notable scene. The killer has been previously noted as an axe-murderer, the axe being his weapon of choice. There is a scene where the killer is in a tool shed and slowly choosing his weapon and we see this from his point of view. He looks across the variety of tools and settles on the axe, but then moves on and settles on a saw, but then moves on and settles on a pitch fork. Finally he decides on a knife, pulling it out of the sheath and admiring it. The film then shifts to a couple finding and settling in an empty tent so they can have sex. In the next scene, the killer murders the couple with a pair of hedge clippers.

It's time for a scene (1)

2005-02-20T17:11:00.000-08:00

(STEVE and ROGER are driving home from a party.)

Steve: You've got a bogey on your Three o'clock.

Roger: Bogey?

Steve: A COP! Now he's on your Four. You're going too fast.

Roger: My Four?

Steve: Starboard!

Roger: Starboard?

Steve: RIGHT!

Roger: I don't know what you're talking about, you know I can't tell left from right.

Steve: He's on your Five, almost Six.

Roger: Where exactly is this guy?

Steve: I don't have a fucking protractor, he's back and to the right, almost six o'clock.

Roger: Are you talking time or direction? It's like 4:30.

Steve: Six o'clock! Right behind you! Not your wrist watch, a watch that has hands on it. (Gesturing) One o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock!

Roger: (pause) That "o'clock" stuff makes a lot more sense now.

The Taco Bell Commercial (1)

2005-02-16T00:52:00.000-08:00

The General Synopsis In Case You Haven't Seen It: The commercial begins with two friends admiring the first friend (Fool 1)'s baseball card collection that he has lovingly arranged on green felt, unprotected by any sort of traditional collector's Mylar or glass casings. His friend (Fool 2) is appreciative of the collection but apprehensive. A third friend (Fool 3) walks in with a bag of Taco Bell food and proceeds to place it directly onto the table of cards that Fools 1 and 2 are admiring. Fool 3 then talks about how he has a bag of chicken enchiladas that are gooey and simply oozing and overflowing with sauce. Fool 1 has a stressful moment until he realizes that Fool 3 is describing the Chicken Enchilada Burrito Wrap and that no sauce is actually going to ooze out of the bag. A cutaway reveals how Taco Bell makes these things and then a cutback shows that Fools 1, 2 and 3 have decided to eat their meal around the precious baseball card table. Fool 2 accidentally spills his drink on the baseball cards. Fool 1 is horrified.

-

The First Ridiculous Element: Anyone who collects anything they consider priceless will cover their printed ink paper with PLASTIC. So NO ONE CAN ACCIDENTALLY POUR SHIT ON IT. Sure, it's an appropriately American display of hubris to present these priceless cards on green felt, symmetrically organized out on a table and out in the open, but no one in their right mind preserves their collectables this way. "Hi, this is my first print issue of X-Men #1, published in November, 1963, weeks before JFK was assassinated. I like to leave it on my coffee table as an ornament. DON'T SPILL ANYTHING ON IT."

The Second Ridiculous Element: Fool 3 walks into the room, notices that Fools 1 and 2 are busy looking at something on the table. He then throws the bag of Taco Bell onto the table they were looking at, then beams as he describes the nectar of the gods that he's just delivered to them. The first thing, that’s a shitty thing to do, to be throwing your shit onto whatever your friends are looking at. The second thing is, it's TACO BELL. "Hey, I brought you guys some TACO BELL!" "Uh, thanks, I guess I won't STARVE." Taco Bell is excellent when you're drunk at 2am and you need something to force down your mouth on the foolish notion that it will absorb all that alcohol you just drank, but bringing it home is no reason to act like you're the Son of God and you're multiplying fish in a barrel.

The Third Ridiculous Element: Fool 1, initially concerned about the smothering cheesy semen of God that resides in the Taco Bell sack leaking over his precious unprotected baseball cards, is apparently content to let his friends eat the Cheesy Enchilada Crap around his treasures. This inevitably leads to The Supplemental Ridiculous Fourth Element where Fool 2 accidentally knocks over his drink onto the cards. Fool 1 is horrified and broken, Fool 2 is chagrined, Fool 3 is too busy enjoying his Ejaculating Chicken Enchilada Cock of Cheese and Sauce to notice.

The Supplemental Ridiculous Fourth Element: Fool 2 knocks over his drink and manages to spill the most amount of Coca-Cola Classic possible because he doesn't have the lid on. Who takes the lid off a fucking soda cup from Taco Bell?

-

What I Learned from this Commercial: No matter how much I love my baseball cards, I should not take care of them like I should. I will let my friends be dicks about it and feign interest while at the same time let them act like they're the Second Coming of Christ because they managed to stop by Taco Bell before they came over to my house. I will know the value of baseball cards on the market but I will not know the value of Mylar. What I consider precious will be destroyed by Taco Bell with the help of my friends.

The Pie Race

2005-02-12T01:07:00.000-08:00

1. You bake a pie as fast as you can.

2. You ride a unicycle.

3. You wear the pie on your head like a little hat because it looks funny.

4. It's The Pie Race.